Snowshoe and Poo

I had the best snow day ever today. Started the morning off with 3 cups of coffee...I don't know what posessed me. I played in the backyard with the dogs for a while (hi-larious, by the way) and contemplated doing more unpacking, since I didn't have anywhere to be. The caffeine got the better of me, however, and at 2:30, I decided to go on an adventure. My proximity-closest friends live 2.5 miles away from me, and between here and there, not one stretch of flat ground exists. I'd never noticed that until I hiked it all in the crunchy, icy snow. It took me one hour, fifteen minutes to go that distance, and twice, I had to straight up sit down in the snow for a two-minute breather. None of you have ever seen the road I live off of, but it's just one, long stretch of brutal, dramatic ups and downs. Reminds me of Asheville, a bit. I hit a point in the walk, maybe 15 minutes before I got to my destination, where I thought to myself, "you've made a wrong decision here, because you still have to get home." My hips, knees and ankles will be telling me all about it tomorrow morning, but I did it, 260 lbs. be damned. I feel victorious tonight, as I sit in my new digs, wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket and listening to two dogs snore, that I walked to Mordecai from Enloe (and only 1/4 of the way back, thanks to the CAT buses running their newly discovered, regularly scheduled route in adverse weather conditions. And I didn't hate it, not for a single second; I actually enjoyed myself, moving along to some Scissor Sisters in the snow. I feel great now, and so, so tired in that good way where you know you just got a workout, and I couldn't be happier that it's snowy and I don't have to feel any shame for laying on the couch on a Saturday night and watching Netflix (bless Netflix' little hort).

Topic 2: After 31 years of making movements like a champ, all of a sudden, I'm irregular. I'm sure it's the change in diet, because I'm not terribly stressed, but I have to say, it sucks. Now I know why Lifetime and TLC run all those Activia ads...because not pooing is really uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't understand it...I drink so much water its almost ridiculous. Any prune eaters out there? Metamucil takers? Activia fans? Do they work in a way that doesn't make you think you're going to shit your pants while you're at work?

PS-I just watched SciFi channels modernized adaptation of the Wizard of Oz, called Tin Man, starring Zooey Deschanel and Alan Cummings. I think I recommend it, although the Wicked Withc character is a fairly poor actress, and the flying monkeys look as fake as Goldie Hawn's lips. I mean, there's a dark, sci-fi tilt to it, so maybe not to everyone's taste, but I'd say it's a decent, interesting adaptation. Now, I'm 'bout to stage my very own Law and Order: SVU marathon. Stay warm, everyone, and enjoy the last scraps of weekend.

Post, post-script-I just ran my sparkpeople numbers for today and I burned 1700 calories. yes!!

Big Snow, Bigger Meltdown

It's snowing like gangbusters, and I know we won't be going anywhere for at least the rest of the weekend, unless we get some freaky ass midnight heat wave. Add to that, the fact that I have been cooped up in this house for the last three days with a croupy three-year old on steroids, and a sick infant.

Then there are the groceries. Ben went to the store because we honestly needed some things for the baby, and the Chicken Little fever may have gotten to him a bit.

Okay, so I asked for the popcorn and the hot cocoa -but it is snowing and we do have a a little man to consider here. You can't play in the snow without having hot cocoa afterwards right? I mean that's just cruel, inhumane and probably illegal in most states. And popcorn is like 1 point for a shit ton, so I figure I'm good.

What I didn't bargain for was the deluxe mixed nuts and beer and red wine. And the pudding and chocolate frosted pop tarts and chocolate covered sweet and salty granola bars. Not a ton of my go to foods, but I have been stuck in this house since Tuesday night and everything that's not a part of the plan is starting to look pret-ty good right about now.

I feel a meltdown coming on. My willpower is wavering and I've already made a decent sized hole in the mixed nuts. I have logged all my points like the dutiful joiner that I am, and I have 18 leeway points left to last me the weekend. I hope I make it...but I gotta say it doesn't look good.

I am seriously afraid that I'll roll up to my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday and discover I have gained all 11 pounds back in one weekend...that's not possible is it?

The Ups and the Downers

My running partner, Kelly, and I decided to take the night off from running last night. We usually go Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. We attempted a run on Tuesday, but after the big race on Saturday and discovering that both of us had worn out our first pair of running shoes, we ended up walking, ok hobbling, through the run.

This was really not that big a deal to either of us, so we were pretty dang sore, so what. We were actually kind of proud, in a rite of passage sort of way, about our first pair of worn out running shoes. It was like a nod from the running Gods that we had some serious stick-to-itiveness. Now, if only the Powers That Be would pony up the cash for the new Zips by Z. But whatever, while walking the rest of the run we both vowed to

a. get some new shoes at a specialty running store without an ounce of shame, and

b. set a new goal

Again, a nice feather in my cap that while I was struggling to finish a piddly three mile walk, we were making plans to try a 15k in May.

And then we bumped into one of the coaches of our running group. His name is Dick. We told Dick about our idea to shoot for the 15k in May, and Dick was a big ole downer. He told us we were biting off more than we could chew and that we needed to get our speed up and try some more 5k's before tackling the 15k. He went on to say once we got some more weight off and got faster then maybe we could try another 10k later in the year. Then Dick took off running down the street and left us hobbling in his skinny ass, old geezer Dick dust. After, dissing Dick, his skinny chicken legs and crappy coaching attitude, Kelly decided that if we were living in a Seinfeld episode, Dick would be our Newman. Hello, DICK.

That definitely helped to assuage any leftover downer dips from Dick. Kelly thought we should contact our beginning runner's program coach Tom, (all we need now is a Harry to complete the set) and ask him if our goal was too lofty, because we don't want to hurt ourselves but we realized that we are more likely to stick with it if we have a goal, AND if we could go from running a 5k in November to a 10k in January SURELY a 15k in May wouldn't be that big of a stretch - right? Tom agreed. He thought we could totally go for it but that we needed to start working on more hills - which if we want to keep running in Asheville we'd better get our hill on anyway. He also pointed out that EVERYONE wants to get faster. I suppose that'll be true for me at some point. At this juncture, however, I'm just a big fan of crossing the finish line before they take it down. So far so good. Furthermore, we went from running a 15 minute mile in November's race to running a 13 minute mile in January. So me thinks if we keep at it we'll get there regardless. And there we have it, new goal in place.

Now I told you all of that so I could tell you all of this...

Last night I opted to go to the YW instead of running because I think it's good to shake it up a bit and I figured a different kind of cardio and maybe some light weight training would only help. I picked a boot camp class. I have many of the Billy Blanks Boot Camp DVD's, and I like them because they are effective, Billy is always encouraging, he gives you high or low impact options, and he blesses you, the viewer, at the end of each workout. Color me cheesy, but sometimes looking forward to the "Billy Bless You" at the end helps get me through it.

ANYWAY. I walk in to the class and this young bebopping 20 something of an instructor starts us off with side to side jumping squats - RIGHT AWAY. This is how she opens the class, and tells us we have to keep it up for two minutes without stopping. Mind you this class, as are most of the classes, is designated for ALL fitness levels. So I'm thinking, "Surely she'll offer a low impact option" because for the first time in a while, I am not the biggest gal in the room and I sure as shit ain't the youngest. Nope. Little Miss Jumping Bean proceeded throughout the hour of torture without offering one iota of encouragement or option to her over the top exercises. At one point she started jumping from side to side OVER a block on the floor - two feet to two feet - something NOBODY in the class could do from the get go much less for two minutes straight.

I have enough knowledge in my noggin from my days as a former Pilates instructor, dancer and student of Anatomy to know this is a recipe for disaster and potential serious injury. So I checked my disgust and ego and started doing low impact versions of what Ping Pong Girl had to offer, there were even a couple of the ladies that followed my lead after that, which made me feel not only welcome but that I was potentially helping to save their knees as well as my own.

Then another wave of disgust hit me, I caught my exercising reflection in the mirror. Whoa. The first uncontrolled thought that leaped into my head was, "Wow, where'd I go?" Because the last time I took a good hard look in the mirror to make sure I was doing things correctly for my body was about 10 -12 plus years ago, when I was still dancing hard core and scrutinizing every last cell of every move I made in class. It occurred to me later that evening that I don't miss those days, and this is probably why the only full length mirror in my house is conveniently tucked behind a door that hides said mirror 99% of the time. Perhaps it isn't all together healthy to avoid looking at all of myself, but I swear when I do it pokes a big hole in my motivation. So for now, the full length mirror will stay in exile.

It was also at this point that I realized I really like running. I like it a lot. There are no mirrors. I have a buddy that goes as fast as I do and the stuff we talk about runs the gamut from silly to serious, and sometimes we just run and enjoy listening to the pace and rhythm our feet make together as we pound the pavement. Then there's the whole fresh air element, and the endorphins don't suck either. It's really the gift that keeps on giving. I can drive the 6.2 miles I ran last weekend and think to myself "Damn girl, you ran this summumabiznitch, and that shit is awesome!"

Going to class like Be-bopping Boot Camp in a room that smells like Lady feet and stale sweat while bouncing up and down to some obscure Grateful Dead wannabes just can't compare.

Liberties with Cheese

I'm taking a break from unpacking, in what feels like a more comfortable version of my last two and a half years of packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking. At least I have six months to camp out in this darling, thoughtful house with the giant backyard. I live alone again, for the first time in five years. It's quiet and nice, and there was no one to judge me when I celebrated the move-in with a half a bag of Hint O Lime Tostitos and that plastic, mucky, delicious queso in a jar. I had a craving I couldn't stop, and I figured since I had resisted the ice cream cone lurking inside of McDonalds, 30 feet away from my office door, for the last three days, that I deserved a chip with queso. Mmmmmm so good.

The celery and sushi at lunch today reminded me that fresh really does taste better, no matter what I might think in the moment. I'm craving the bananas instead of the Reese's, and the radishes instead of the Cool Ranch Doritos. We'll call that progress.

And I sure am getting a work out with the moving. Phew. My back hurts.

In brief...

Must be brief today as my 3 year old has a nasty case of the croup and I am desperately trying not to eat my way through the stress of my little guy feeling like poo and my inability to really do anything about it except monitor his temp, give the prescribed meds, hug him a lot and wait. The waiting just sucks.

I am also realizing exactly how often I used to just eat my way through all kinds of stressful situations...as a matter of fact I can't actually think of a situation where I WASN'T prompted to eat.

Crappy day = piece of cheesecake or two

Good day = more cookies than I can admit to

Sick kid = peanut butter crackers ad nauseum

You get the picture.

I am finally starting to get used to all the pangs though - which ones are ACTUAL hunger and which are stress responses - don't get me wrong on the super rough days I still covet every last little bite I can scrape out of my Smart Ones chocolate chip cookie dough sundae - but at least now I have a better grasp on what really constitutes ONE SERVING. Which was honestly a bit of a shocker.

I consider myself a pretty smart gal, but I was straight up kidding myself that I was eating normal sized portions.

So I am learning that lesson, one meal at a time.

Current stats are:

11 pounds lost, which was my first goal - 5% of my body weight. Woot Woot.

Minor Set Backs

So I got D-RUNK on Friday night, and believe it or not, I am feeling guilty about all that sugar that I drank. Well, that, and the fact that I spent $60 on punishing mine and my friend's livers. God, it was fun. I was holding steady, my drink one to everyone else's drink three, and then all of a sudden, someone said champagne, and the next thing I know, it's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm hiking through a public park in downtown Asheville with four other people, singing songs from the Little Mermaid. Champagne has always been my favorite. It's like bacon to my wanna-be vegetarianism. The proverbial thorn in my side. And man, it's hard to turn down when there's an attractive woman holding a flute and batting her eyes at me. (sigh) Especially when it's her birthday, I haven't seen her in four years, and she's been jogging six days a week since I saw her last. If I was a man, someone would have already accused me of thinking with my dick.

But that was Friday, and now it's almost Tuesday, and I haven't had sugar since Saturday night, when I drank a mojito with my friends at dinner. I'm kind of hooked on this no sugar thing. It makes me feel great, my mood is noticeably more chipper, I have more energy when I'm supposed to, and I'm more tired at night when I lay down in bed. This is good for me. I'm enjoying it.

There is a strange sense of newfound power, when I walk through the grocery store, obsessively reading labels, and discarding 99% of all that I touch. The American diet really is based around refined sugar. It's no wonder we all went and got fat. I'm not a slave to the junk food anymore, no sir, no how. I walk past the shiny cookie bags, and the demure ice cream tubs and I think to myself, I don't need you. Kind of like that lady in that weird Weight Watchers commercial when she tells off the teddy bear cake. It feels good that my palms don't sweat, and I don't have to struggle with the guilt of knowing I'm going to buy something and eat it all to get rid of the evidence. I just walk by, smiling, en route to the produce section. Step off, sugar...you ain't the boss of me. Not anymore.

Wii fit...I love you!

I started out the morning by going for an epic walk, listening to my podcasts, and admiring the day. When I got home, I jumped on the wii fit for a power yoga session. Not to brag or anything, but I have unlocked ALL the poses (yes I have the old wii fit that requires unlocking the poses). I was so thrilled to see that last pose...I mean its unlocked, so I should be able to do it right? That's what that means. The balance board told me that I could do it; it follows then. I am doing that pose. Ok which one am I talking about? Its the one that starts out easily enough with lifting your legs into the dead bird position. Then you are supposed to drop your feet ever so gently over top of your head and then jack knife your legs skyward. I mean...not that hard, right?

Then I tried it.

So, I have something to work for, that's the positive.

To recap:
hours walked: 1
minutes doing wii fit yoga: 50
lbs lost since the last time I weighed myself: 5...FIVE PEOPLE!!!!
I am now 257 lbs! That is 110 lbs below my highest weight ever!
Just saying.

Slow and Steady

Dang it...I did it. I ran a 10k today. And me and my running buddy finished before they took the finish line down. So there. Take that big butt, saggy gut and all the parts in between.

Next stop, 15k in May.

All hail endorphins!

Zen and the Art of Losing Weight

I have been taking the Zen approach, and haven't weighed myself in days. Yuck, but too much other fun stuff is going on to worry about my weight right now. Plus my upper arms have significantly shrunk. I used to see a 3 to 1 ratio from upper to lower arms. Now its like 1 1/2 to 1 YES! Plus, I am fitting into one size smaller jeans, and feeling sexy. Now if only I had a make-out buddy. Really, no strings attached, just using each others bodies :)

I can't wait for this season/month to be over. All of the major family birthdays are almost over, and I can settle down to no cake/sweets for a long stretch. It is hard to resist when the shit is in the house. Although I have noticed that it isn't as hard to resist as it was at christmas time. Now, I'll have one piece and not need to have a second the next day and the next until its gone.

Meanwhile, my birthday is coming up and I am planning on eating an entire sugar-free angel food cake by myself, (unless of course that make-out buddy shows up, then my mouth will be busy with other things). Is that wrong? I don't care.

FIIIIIIIIIIIINALLY!

i've finally started to see some progress. i've def toned down the drinking (think 4-7 drinks a week of beer or wine instead of many more) and no outright sugar treats (and severly limiting things with sugar like granola bars, etc). i've bulked up on veggies and fruits and water.

on the exercise tip, I GOT A TREADMILL that since friday night has been staring me in the face and defying me to not get on it. so, i got on it. saturday morning, monday night, and yesterday i did 2 running/walking sessions yesterday, each of 45 minutes. hell yeah. still need to work in more kathy smith to keep me sane and some yoga to stretch my muscles for that long and lean look.

so, i have one of those old skool dial scales so i can't really tell how much i've lost but it's LOOKS like its in the range of 2-3 lbs. in the last 3 weeks. which is a bit less thank i had hoped but hey, it's progress.

For Rizzle?

Today, I ate 922 calories. This is wild, because I am STILL full from dinner. I have to figure out how to squeeze in a few more calories and carbs, according to sparkpeople.com. I seem to have the fat and protein figured out just fine (meeting my goals, rarely exceeding them), but I can't ever seem to get the caloric intake or the carbs quite right. I either go over or under, hardly ever 'meeting my goals' that I've set up at the website. Not eating sugar, and mostly eating veggies, it's been a bit tricksy to get the right balance.

Proper nutrition ain't easy, babies. This is what I have learned. It really does take careful attention, plenty of planning, and almost zero eating out to keep nutrition on lock down. It's certainly not as exciting as throwing caution to the win and going out for lunch.

I suppose this low-cal week means that I can relax justtttt a little when I visit the mountains this weekend. I feel sure that I will likely have a wine or four, and probably some greasy eggs and grits to sop all that up the next day. C'est la vie.

PS-I am so excited for my psuedo-blind psuedo-date. I'm feelin' sassy and confident! And she drives a scooter, has good hair and makes me laugh. Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhh.

Ruminations

Reading Betsy's post got me to thinking about something I reflect on from time to time, and still, obviously, haven't entirely come to grips with. That is, once I lose the rest of this weight, then people will judge me just for me, and that makes me feel naked.

It's such a convenient excuse to be comfortable inside failure. This is not to say that I am unaware of the lovely accomplishments I've achieved in my life. I have quite a rich existence, which I cherish every single day. However, I am not the person I want to be, and I am not doing what I feel like I was born to do, because those things are challenging and daunting; grande, even. It's awfully easy to say, oh, well, I haven't made that movie yet because people don't take me seriously because I'm fat. I'm single when I wish I was in a committed relationship; oh, it's because I'm fat. I've never made 30K in a single year; clearly that's because other people are prejudiced against me and my fat shell.

While there may be some truth inside these statements, mostly it's just me, sabotaging myself, because when I stop using my weight as an excuse for what I don't like in my life, it's just me and my talent and my intelligence and my capabilities and my motivation and my charisma on the table. It's awfully easy to relinquish my control and say it's the fat that's keeping me down, when really, all I'm saying is that it's me stopping me. If I can recognize this so clearly, why oh why can't I put that shit to rest, for good?

261. Only two pounds away from my lowest weight, post-op.

Reporting for Duty

Hello again fellow gut busters...

Been missing you all, I have. For the record I do post mental blogs every day in my head as I'm prattling about trying to keep my head above the self imposed stress.

Here's the latest: I'm swimming in a sea of panic and self doubt.

I have lost a total of 6.2 pounds in my first two weeks participating in Whale Watchers. And I'm diving in whole hog,figured it couldn't hurt so I got the monthly pass, am tracking every last calorie on line, and am going to the weekly meetings - in just two weeks and three short meetings I already feel compassion and camaraderie to/with my fellow fat sistahs and flaming queens that whale watch right along with me. I've have dropped out of the 220's and now reside at 219.2. And that's good right?

But, oddly,I still feel like a shaky mess ALL of the time. I'm a little paralyzed by the thought that I will either get exactly what I want or I will stick my neck out, try, and then pull up stakes and head for the hills because I can't take it anymore and I discover that I really am a giant pile of shit. This is what's been floating around in my head for the last week or so. Not exactly the reaction I expected from heading in the direction I've envisioned for myself for so long.

What I want to do this year is:

-find a nice part-time job working for someone who is not crazy: check

-get Zeke into a healthy school environment two days a week: check

-find a supportive group to help me on the journey of saying goodbye and good riddance to all the extra weight I've been hauling around for the last ten years: check

-write more and find some good outlets for my creative interests: check and double check.

So what the hell is my problem? If you were to hug me too tight these days, I might just crumble into a puddle of tears. Nope, not menstral pre or post even. And the dog situation may have a resolution. (we are going to try and come up with a cat/dog rotating outdoor schedule) So the big stresses of late are abating. Things are actually WORKING OUT. How utterly disasterous! (I wish they'd invent a font that denoted sarcasm - don't you?)

I'm still, after all these years, waiting for the other shoe to drop...what am I going to do if it never does? I'm wondering what I can do to make this uneasy pit in my stomach GO AWAY. Or is this just a phase you go through before you get used to realizing personal goals? And it's not like I haven't ever realized personal goals - I have a fanfuckingtastic husband and a seriously awesome family that I played a large role (no pun intended) in creating.

But this piece, the losing the weight and finally being conscious of the fact that when I get to where I want to be I won't be fat, and what's more,I never was when I was there in the first place - despite what my family told me.

And there it is. The ah-ha moment.

(I swear every time I contribute to this blog, I not only feel like I must look like a mess of a walking open wound - but I also end up having MAJOR epiphanies and therefore, crying - like now.)

I am actively bucking nearly forty years of a familial opinion of myself that I just adopted readily because I didn't know any different, and the people responsible for guiding me to a positive self image did a pretty crappy job, and it is time to let it all go. Right. With. The. Weight.

Guess that would make anybody a little uneasy. There is comfort in the uncomfortable because it is a known quantity. Easy to say, tough to live - at least for me at the moment, but I'm holding out hope.

Hope that this will pass. Hope that the old adopted opinions of myself won't win, again. Hope that we will ALL get there a little more each day. Hope that one day we can all break bread around my kitchen table while slurping some of my homemade lentil soup - just finished up a fresh batch from the Moosewood cookbook with a few of my own tweaks added in, and damn that shit is good.

Bueller? Buuuuuuuuuueller?

So my stepmother was telling me how she saw an Oprah or something the other day that basically stated that science has proven the only reliable method for long-term weight loss and maintenance is the support group set-up. Now, I'm not sure if it's my renewed resolve, or if this blog is really doing what I hoped, but I've lost eight pounds since starting here.

It's getting kinda lonely 'round here, folks.

I know that not everyone will post as often as I will (because I'm a blog whore) but if this is gonna work, we've got to be in it to win it. I know all of youse are on the internet every day, and that you have a couple minutes to spare to check in here, maybe post, maybe leave a comment or two...I have faith that this can--and is working, so this the official friendly reminder that none of us can do it alone.

Let me tell you why you're doing awesome. Just tell me.

xoxo

First Goal Accomplished!

I'm back down to my pre-holiday weight. This was my goal for the entire month of January, and it didn't even take two weeks! Yahoo! No sugar is apparently the way to roll for me, much as it pains me. I've lost seven pounds in 10 days. You can't beat that with a stick. And I assure you I am doing healthily, eating full meals, and exercising regularly. My faith in myself and my ability to overcome this hurdle has officially been restored. Skinny jeans and tube tops, here I come! Heh.

Side note: my band mates and I decided on a name tonight. [THE DARLINGZ]. All caps, always in brackets, because two of us are transcriptionists and we wanted to include a nod to all the dutiful scribes out there. We have our first practice on Saturday, and we have set the goal of performing a three-song set at an open mic night in one month. Another distraction from eating is always a good thing. Bless thee, concertina accordion. Any good suggestions for songs we should cover? So far, we've decided on Life Is A Highway, Heartbreaker, Thriller, Somebody, Rebel Girl and a not yet decided Paul Simon tune. We're aiming for nine covers in our repetoire by the time it's warm again. I know y'all got some good ideas.

Skinny Cow

Okay, so I've found my new sugar-free addiction. Skinny Cow sugar-free ice cream sandwiches are the most delicious, low-cal, no sugar treats I've ever tasted. Maybe it's just because I haven't had sweet treats in nine days now, but I'm sold. I'm a fan. I can't recommend them highly enough. Sure, there's probably some chemicals in there that, in a perfect world, I would want to avoid entirely. But right now, I'm more concerned with not breaking my Sugar Ban.

In regards to alcohol, I think I have decided that once a week, I am allowed one glass of wine. That seems fair. That seems moderate...enough. Because I'm not gonna lie; I like getting tipsy. I don't find that fact problematic; I simply choose to believe that I'm a moderate hedonist. Healthy, balanced living can't always feel like deprivation.

Good Practice

Whether or not you believe in psychics, here's a lil anecdote from my visit with the most bona fide seer I've ever met. (She called people by their names, we'd never met before, she didn't know anything about me, and she just knew things)

We talked about my (lack of) career, my dreams, my aspirations, my struggles, and finally, about my weight and my self-esteem/body issues. She gave me a really helpful pointer that I have been employing for about eight months now, and I have found it to be immensely helpful.

Every time the Negative Nancy in my brain wants to tell me how a shirt looks like shit because my boobs are so big, or that my face is looking fat because I'm retaining water, or my hair is just plain busted, or that my upper arms resemble sides of ham, I stop the self-hating, and I repeat in my mind, over and over again, I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful.

I didn't immediately see any results; the mean voice in my brain still had plenty to say about everything. But eventually, over time (and I just realized this today), the voice got much quieter, and much less critical. I look in the mirror now, and I don't always like what I see, but instead of thinking, sweet Jeebus, why can't I have a waistline? I think, wow, my lips are perfect. The negative commentary has slowly but surely turned into a positive commentary, focused not so much on all the things I'd like to change, but the pieces and parts that I find beautiful and lovely about myself.

Try it for a week; it's nice to reaffirm yourself when you really want to beat yourself down. The more that positive thinking is employed consciously, the sooner the unconscious hops on that band wagon, too. And the sooner we love ourselves unconsciously, the sooner that good decision making becomes a part of healthy lives, and not just a quest for a quick fix.

Big love.

I Cracked

I totally had two glasses of white wine tonight, fireside, with my friend Emily who is preparing to move to Hawaii and leave me in charge of her darling home, her two funny little kitties, and her GIANT St. Bernard.

I did, however, pass over the ice cream and homemade apple pie earlier in the day.

I'm trying not to feel too guilty about the wine, but part of me feels like I caved too soon. The other part of me says, you're a friggin adult. So have a glass of wine every now and then...just not every day.

Hmph. Tomorrow is another day.

6 Days Down, All of Them to Go

Day six, sugar free. I almost caved today, 17 times, but I didn't, and I feel pretty proud of myself.

I went over to my parent's house to walk the dogs and hang out with my kid brother--it is fair to say that he is obsessed with me, which is totally endearing, and inspiring, because I fully feel like it's my responsibility to live a long, healthy life so I can be there for him when our parents are gone (...morbid...). That's a heckuva good motivator to lose this weight, though.

So I get over there, and in a moment of rare pre-teen kindness, he went in the kitchen to get himself a snack, and brought me one, as well, without me even asking. He delivered to me a giant pretzel, coated in white chocolate, with a swirly red and green icing pattern. Chocolate-covered pretzels are literally only my favorite snack in existence, a perfect marriage of sweet and savory. The synapses in my brain were firing so hard in the presence of chocolate that I put my hand out for it for a split second before I pulled my hand back like that pretzel was red-hot, and could only shake my head 'no'; I literally couldn't make the words, 'no thanks' come out of my mouth at that moment. He actually looked surprised. I certainly was. All I know is that if I had held it, I would have eaten it. And then licked the remaining sugar crumbs off of my sweaty palm. Sugar addiction is some serious shit, y'all.

Later, when I had to run out to get some packing tape (another exciting Saturday night for me!), the Xmas candy on sale at Walgreens was literally singing to me. I had to just avert my eyes and make fists in my jacket pockets. Again, if I had so much as touched the shiny, red packaging, I would have purchased it, and sat in my car in the parking lot, scarfing down those bizarre red Peeps, hardly breathing as I did so. I walked out of Walgreens with only my intended purchase, and so feeling victorious, I thought I should reward myself with a sugar-free treat.

I headed down the street to Lowes Foods, where I remembered there were diabetic cookies hiding amongst the Pecan Sandies and the E.L. Fudge Factory offerings. The peanut butter cremes sounded good to me, until I read the ingredients and saw the bold print at the bottom of the list that said: Excess consumption may have a laxative effect. Not only do I not like the notion of getting the shits from eating some cookies, I realized then that, even in light of that warning in bold, I would likely take that box of peanut butter cremes home, and engage in excess consumption. It was a harsh realization to have in the grocery store, at 10:30 on a Saturday night, that I can't trust myself to eat a single serving.

I don't know why I can't just eat a single serving of cookies. It's truly a mystery to me. And so I have to avoid them, entirely. Probably forever.

I put the cookies back on the shelf, and I left, instead, with a sleeve of Skinny Cow sugar-free ice cream sandwiches. The packaging is clear, and I figured that, if nothing else, knowing that my mom would see that I had eaten three instead of one (in a sitting) would be a good deterrent. It was. I ate one, she ate one, they were surprisingly good, and I won't even look at them until three days from now, when I simply have to taste something sweet or rip my fingernails out. Ice cream never has been the monkey on my back.

Stress in the City

So I did it - I joined Weight Watchers. Which oddly has the same initials as Whale Watchers. Coincidence? I think not.

I joined with a work buddy which is good - so I have some live, in person accountability for diet, exercise and Ben (my hubster) is almost as good at counting points (the ww system of tallying food daily) as the online tracker. My weight loss will probably be slower but I'm hoping it'll be steady and because there are weekly meetings and weekly weigh-ins I will be able to post those here.

This week I weighed in at 225. Which is grand for two reasons: 1. I didn't gain any weight over the holidays and b. I lost a pound from Saturday to Monday. Hoo-Yah Massuh Chief.

And then came the stress by the truckloads...

I am enrolling my older son in 3 yr old pre-school. A good stress, but a stress nonetheless as he has a compromised immune system and this will be our first real foray into the big wide world o' germs and funk.

Normally, that would have been AT LEAST a half a bag of dark chocolate raisinettes worth of celebration/eating my feelings, which are the size and shape of a small hillock of worry. But I didn't.

Then there was the motherload of all shit storms...

My neighbor's cat got into my backyard and my dog killed it. And then my neighbor threatened to kill my dog. Literally. He's a hunter and owns guns.

Here's where the story gets more complicated: This summer, due to all the rain, the hill our fenced in backyard is built on began to erode and the dogs kept getting out despite all of our efforts to the contrary(these included lots of additional chain link and rebar - my dogs are crafty). Unfortunately, they did get out and Winnie killed the same neighbors 21 yr old dying cat. The fact that the cat was slowly dying isn't to excuse what happened but merely a fact of the situation. Ben had to get between my neighbor and my dog to keep him from killing her right then and there.

My dog is a cat killer. I have known this for a while. This is why she has a backyard that is surrounded by a six foot chain link fence and she's never allowed out of the yard without being on a leash and I have forewarned all my neighbors with cats not to let them come near our yard. I honestly felt I had done everything I could, but now the situation has escalated to the morosely ridiculous. And I think it is time I find her a new home, which is truly breaking my heart. And all I want to do is eat and cry, but since I'm trying really hard to learn how to NOT eat my feelings I am making up for it in the crying department like gangbusters.

I just don't trust my neighbors ability to control his anger. He has two more cats. And what if he lets them out in this weather and they go looking for warmth like I suspect the last one did? (we have a shed in our back yard and it is very easy to crawl under if your cat sized) What if it happens when I'm not home and I have to explain to my three year old why our dog has been shot in our own backyard? That I won't do.

So it seems the only answer is to find a new home for my first baby. My dear friend of almost 12 years, the one who never left my side when I was so sick I barely knew my own middle name. I have no idea what to do with all the guilt, sadness and stress I am experiencing. Normally, I'd just stuff it away with a mountain of sugar and salt - I ain't too picky when it comes to stress eating, and I just don't have any other coping skills other than crying until my eyelids look like ball park franks.

It would appear my resolve is being tested. Heavily. All I want to do is tell the powers that be to fuck off, win the lottery and move my family to the country, and eat in quiet peace. The only reality I have, however, involves a lot of swearing and kleenex.

OK Wii fit, I heart you.

Even though it tells me I am obese and says "oh!" every time I step on to be weighed, Wii fit is my new friend. Even though I wrenched my back while playing, Wii fit is my friend. Why you ask? Because, that's why. I am now officially down to pre-holiday weight. It was looking a little bleak there for a while, not gonna lie. The siren call of the sugar cookie and the sad event of snowstorms for over a week (so no outside walking) was taking its toll. Two days on the Wii fit, and eating well again and Voi-oh-lay! I'm back in business. Thank the dear sweet baby Jebus for that.
Today:
Breakfast: 3/4 cup Kashi Go Lean, 1 Activia light Raspberry yogurt with probiotics
Snack: 2 carrots, 1 small apple
Lunch: 6 inch roast beef sub
Snack protein bar
Dinner: Cheeseburger sub
Snack: 1/2 cup cereal, 6 pretzels, 2 sugarfree dove chocolates.

Bmi; 42
weight:263

Who knew?

The celery I ate today had more calories than the popcorn I ate! Bizarro. I'm officially sold on sparkpeople.com...I learn something new about nutrition every time I log in! I'm somewhat enthusiastic about this free service...in case you couldn't tell.

So I hit all my calorie/fat/carb/protein goals today, for the first time since I joined sparkpeople. That makes me feel good, because I wasn't hungry not the once, and now I have a good idea of a rough diet to follow to meet my goals. Granted, I'm sick and don't have much of an appetite today, but still.

Day three of no sugar is nearly complete, and I only had a few moments of extreme desire for caramel/cheddar popcorn. I lost a half-pound yesterday. This no sugar shit works...for rizzle. To add to my sick/no-sugar fun, I got my period early today, so I am excited to step on the scales in five or six days, when the water bloat is gone, to check my progress.

My sinuses seem to be full of cement, and I think I swallowed some razor wire in my sleep last night. Big fun, big fun.

Be well, lovely people!

gah!

ugh! i want a cookie like, so bad!!! somebody brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies to the office and they are sitting in our lil kitchen in a heart shaped tin. how can i resist!!??? BUT I MUST.

THIS SUGAR WILL NOT CONTROL ME.

Why America Is Fat.

I just saw a commercial for IHOP. All-you-can-eat pancakes. Why, God, why? Empty calories. Smothered in syrup of your choice. $3.99. Eat til you puke. It's no wonder why the rest of the (starving) world doesn't understand us.

For The Record

This morning, I weighed in at 265. Phew. I said it.

Hey Tuesday Hey

So I'm really feeling the sparkpeople.com website. It's certainly much easier to just input what I've eaten, and have someone else calculate all the quantifiable bits. These last three days, I have come in at or under my goals, with the exception of fat. I've blown my fat intake by about 10 gms a day, every day. I don't know how to feel about this, just yet. Part of me thinks that since I'm not eating any sugar, I'm okay with eating pimento cheese, even though that is the opposite of low fat. If I can't eat a cookie, I'm GONNA have some cheese. Sometimes.

I've gotten into the totally strange habit of eating celery, cucumbers and radishes for breakfast. It's totally satisfying and very filling, but not so breakfast-y. Oh well. As long as I'm getting my five, right?

I got on the scales this morning, and I've lost five of my eight holiday pounds already!! Huzzah!!! I think this blog is working for me!

things to be proud of

-- kathy smith on sunday
-- bollywood dance class last night
-- gym today

-- 3 full days of lots of veggies + low calorie and low sugar eating
-- quelching my internal cries for a sugar treat with another glass of water and a pep talk

-- signing up for sparkpeople.com; very helpful! i set up my goals, got my recommended calorie intake, and set up a work out plan. aerobic and strength training. the isolated exercises and videos are the bomb.

-- getting through another day!

Today Was A Good Day...

...aside from the fact that I seem to be coming down with a chest cold of sorts. I've been pumping the Airborne/Emergen-C/hot tea/ibuprofen and crossing my fingers. I don't want to have the swine flu.

So, imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale today to discover I've lost three pounds! I'm pretty sure it's a New Years miracle, but I'll take it!

Day two, sugar-free. I'm not gonna lie, I've thought about cookies more than I'm entirely comfortable with, but I have withstood the relentless nagging of my own brain for a sugar shot. I'm looking forward to the day, two or three weeks down the line, when I don't think about Little Debbie peanut butter bars. Or a waffle cone full of pralines and cream. Or my archnemesis, Ferrera Rocher. God, I love those chocolate covered macadamia nuts. But I digress.

For breakfast, coffee with skim milk, and celery, radish and cucumber with roasted garlic hummus. Weird, I know, but I'm a non-traditional breakfast eater. For lunch, I had a Subway tuna sammich, and a big of Baked Lays. For snack, a handful of raw pecans. For dinner, spinach/feta frittata, roasted carrot/cumin puree with raisins, and LeSeur very early baby young peas.

Sparkpeople.com tells me I'm 10 grams of fat over for the day, and 14 grams of protein under, but that I came in at 1265 calories. I'm happy with that. I'm not even entirely sure that the fat content is right, because they didn't have the right brand of hummus in their database, and I'm not sold on hummus having that much fat. And even if it does, I'm comfortable with it. It's hummus, for crying out loud.

After my surgery, I wasn't counting calories. All I did to lose 95 pounds was to cut out all processed sugar and high fructose corn syrup, all carbonated beverages, and alcohol. I can do it again. I am doing it.

I Meant January 3rd.

So, in making my new plans for my new way of life, due to start on January 2nd, I temporarily overlooked the fact that January 2nd is my 12-year old brother's birthday. And that there would be cake. And that I would have to eat it.

I agonized a bit about it, and even said no when first offered, but Lil Man persisted, saying that he wouldn't enjoy it as much if I didn't have any, etc etc etc--all the things a 12-year old might say on his birthday when he idolizes his big sister. He wants it, and he wants me to want it. He enjoys it, and he wants me to enjoy it. And so I did. I can't say no that face...unless he's being a little shit making outlandish requests, such as $600 tickets to the Jay-Z concert next month. That 'no' was easy.

There were small victories, however. I took a small piece, a sliver, really, and I didn't eat a bit of icing, nor did I ingest any delicious Bryers Natural Vanilla ice cream with the bean specks I love so much. So I ate cake, but cake only, and since it wasn't Harris Teeter's best (I could actually taste ingredients like flour, instead of the usual plasticine chemicals reserved for kids sheet cakes) but instead purchased at Edible Arts, I felt less guilty. You know, supporting the local economy and all.

We went out to dinner at a high-end Japanese restaurant (ginger salad dressing...gahhhhh) and a movie, and I declined all the wine, beer, popcorn, and chocolate my family could offer. That's something.

Side bar: We saw Avatar and it is, indeed, worthy of (most of) the hype it's been getting. I recommend it.

Tomorrow is a new, sugar-free day. Onward ho. (That's what she said.)

Awesome Fitness Website

My friend Emily recommended this website. She used it when she was training for her wedding, and she sings the gospels. From the brief once-over I've given it, it seems very user-friendly, and it helps track all the stats one would want to follow. Plus, the calorie counter will make you a pie graph to horrify you with the imbalance of carbs and sugars included in a standard Amurican diet. Ch-ch-check it out, y'all!

www.sparkpeople.com

I Like 2010 Already!

I hope you all had a lovely evening last night! I know I sure did. I rang in the New Year at a new friend's house; she's an event planner, so there was quite a spread, and plenty to enjoy...artisan chocolates, veggies with exquisite dips, sausage balls, cheesecake bites, and Lil Smokeys cookin' in a crockpot all night long. I definitely drank my share of Danger Punch (1 part vanilla vodka, 2 parts pineapple juice, 1 part champagne, all parts delicious), and laughed so hard I almost peed when the hostess walked straight through the screen door in front of the entire party. Apparently, she had had some Danger Punch, herself. I haven't eaten Lil Smokeys in some years, and man...they were good. I'm 98% vegetarian, and I most certainly got my 2% fill last night. All the nitrates and pig hooves a girl needs to start the year off right.

I won't even attempt to track what I ate yesterday...it was too much, and a lot of sugar and fat, and I enjoyed every last bite of it. Tomorrow, however, begins a new-ish regiment. Back to my morning smoothies--vanilla soy powder, fish oil, a frozen banana, either frozen peaches, blueberries or strawberries, and some pomegranate juice. They are delicious, and get me going better than any other brekkie. Lunch times will likely be tuna with Reduced Fat Wheat Thins, and dinner will be a salad with some kind of protein. Game ON.

This is the diet I adhered to strictly for 10 months post-op, and it worked like a dream. No refined sugar/high fructose corn syrup, and no alcohol. That's it. Seems easy. Feels hard. Will be great. In two weeks.

Happy 2010! This year is the one, ladies and gent! I can tell already!

(And now I am off to get one last snack batch of caramel/cheddar popcorn...my Achilles heel, these days. Gotta send myself off right. And I don't even feel bad about it.)