The Doughnut Not Taken

I've had a breakthrough. In my therapy I have been doing breath work. Its a kind of hyperventilation that puts you into a relaxed state and allows you to access your unconscious. So hard to describe in words. I have been trying to access parts of myself for years to no success. So, I tried something different, a little scary, and totally outside my "control."

During my last session, I uncovered something that totally blew me away. I've always framed my understanding of the weight I carry in terms of protection. I get that aspect of it. During this session, I was dealing with the fact that I have been carb crazy lately, especially doughnuts. I just want to eat anything that is in sight. I've recently had to get rid of clothes because they hang off of me and get new clothes (thrift store here we come), and I've started subbing at local schools as a way to make money. The clothes I got are all cute, and a little too close for comfort. I feel exposed. I was comfortable with having clothes that were too big for me. Plus there has been this rising feeling that I was about to start gaining weight back. I was going to relapse. I almost wanted to relapse. And now I had thrown away my safety net.

I realized through my breath work that I have been starving myself. Starving myself of love. Some parts of me I deeply hate, and I want everyone else to hate. I have been trying to starve those parts of myself to death. As a result, I have been compensating by filling that starvation with something I have control of: food. I am still trying to unpack the full implications of that, but am hoping it will maybe relate to some of y'all out there.