Ruminations

Reading Betsy's post got me to thinking about something I reflect on from time to time, and still, obviously, haven't entirely come to grips with. That is, once I lose the rest of this weight, then people will judge me just for me, and that makes me feel naked.

It's such a convenient excuse to be comfortable inside failure. This is not to say that I am unaware of the lovely accomplishments I've achieved in my life. I have quite a rich existence, which I cherish every single day. However, I am not the person I want to be, and I am not doing what I feel like I was born to do, because those things are challenging and daunting; grande, even. It's awfully easy to say, oh, well, I haven't made that movie yet because people don't take me seriously because I'm fat. I'm single when I wish I was in a committed relationship; oh, it's because I'm fat. I've never made 30K in a single year; clearly that's because other people are prejudiced against me and my fat shell.

While there may be some truth inside these statements, mostly it's just me, sabotaging myself, because when I stop using my weight as an excuse for what I don't like in my life, it's just me and my talent and my intelligence and my capabilities and my motivation and my charisma on the table. It's awfully easy to relinquish my control and say it's the fat that's keeping me down, when really, all I'm saying is that it's me stopping me. If I can recognize this so clearly, why oh why can't I put that shit to rest, for good?

261. Only two pounds away from my lowest weight, post-op.